It's been a while... but then I have been busy.
Kinda.
Anyway, rather than ramble on about what I'm yet to do or have done since I last posted, here are my top films of 2012.
NOTE: I have yet to see some absolute (apparent) corkers like Django Unchained and The Raid, so apologies. But of all the films I've seen this year, these are my absolute favourites. Do you agree? Doubt it.
10. Expendables 2
If you 'got the joke' it's a far superior movie than the first. A good riff on the 80's actioner. Technically awful but just a great popcorn movie that will find a home on home viewings.
9. We Need To Talk About Kevin
The best acting committed to film in 2012.
8. The Cabin In The Wood.
It won't be everyone's cup of tea, but a great nod to all the sub-genres of horror. It's also a very clever idea that only works if you know very little about the movie before you watch it. When 'it' happens you will either love it or despise it. From Dusk Till Dawn' syndrome.
7. Brave
It's not trying to be a toy-shifter like Cars, nor is it trying to be another epic franchise like Toy Story. It's an original tale from the greatest animation studio on Earth, so kudos for trying something new. I thought it was really original and a brave direction for them to go in. Urgh. An un-intentional pun.
6. 21 Jump Street
My respect for that talking chest of an actor shot through the roof. Funniest film of 2012.
5. Dredd
Because they finally got it right! Until last week it was the best 3D I've seen as well...
4. Life of Pi
And then this film came along and blew it out the water. If all 3D films were like this instead of horrible ways to get us all to pay 3 extra quid then maybe we'd all see 3D as an art form? Great acting and literally the best 3D ever... but the story is a little 'Forrest Gump on a raft' (which I'm sure was 'Castaway'). Only see this in 3D at the cinema.
3. The Dark Knight Rises
It would be higher if it didn't mumble along so much. Why wasn't BANE the brute we were all expecting? Still... an amazing film and the perfect end to the trilogy! It simply suffered sitting quite literally alongside TDK.
2. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
In 24FPS this was the return to Middle Earth we were all waiting for. In 48FPS I would have returned it to the fires of Mount Doom. A great movie that leads me to wonder if Jackson can pull off the trilogy? Only time will tell.
1. The Avengers
The Avengers (Or, 'Avengers Assemble' if you're stupid) was everything I wanted it to be. Yes, it was riddled with plot holes ("Here's Banner on a bike!" "Aliens are attacking a few blocks of New York... lets NUKE IT ALL!") but it's MARVEL! Whedon (and I give credit still to Millar!) managed to juggle huge characters and it paid off... with great dialogue and brilliant set-pieces to boot! To me, the MARVEL wagon is the franchise to follow and reminds me of the great films I had when I was a kid. BTTF, Indy etc. I loved it.. it was the reason cinemas were invented; to lose yourself in fantasy.
Do you agree? Let us know.
Peace out. x
A
Dedication!
This is Paradise, I'm telling ya.
Thursday 27 December 2012
Sunday 7 August 2011
Smurf Movie Review- From a fan's point of view.
Yeah. I'm bias. But I'm also honest, so get over it, haters!
First off, it seems a lot of movie critics have missed the point entirely when reviewing this film and immediately jumped on the 'Smurfs Movie- URGH!' bandwagon and judged it as a 'Smurfs Movie'. They're annoying. They sing. They dance. They have silly names. There's only one girl. They use the word 'Smurf' a lot (especially instead of swear words. Guffaw) and critics, well, they don't like that. This then, in turn, warrants the film to be diabolically awful. Basically, the hate the characters and, as such, the movie must suck.
The other thing that works against the 'Smurfs' is that they're from a different time. The stories and characters, that is. These days, PIXAR (and, rightly so) have set the bar so dramatically high in regard to visuals and, more importantly, have put stress on 'Childrens' movies that cater equally for adults. The idea being that an adult going to the cinema with a child has something to enjoy as well as the child, be it innuendo, sub plot or darker tones. I cannot over emphasise how highly I regard PIXAR (especially, in my opinion, WALL-E, which is a masterpiece). As such, every kids film, these days, is compared to PIXAR. This does not work in the Smurfs favour. Smurfs are not dark. If you hate the characters you'll hate the film, and there's no changing that.
BUT
The film is, without hyprbole, the best non-Pixar Childrens film I've seen in a long, long time. In the same way Cap America recently transported me back to being 10 years old and watching 'Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade', 'The Smurfs' makes me feel like a child watching Labyrinth or the Muppets! The characters are brilliant. Anyone that hates the Smurfs clearly have only seen the bubblegum, badly animated and 'moral' Hannah Barbera cartoons and not read the cheeky, rude (and mainly stupid!) Smurfs of the original storybooks. And these Smurfs are exactly that. They argue, they love, they sing, they fight and they generally misunderstand EVERYTHING! Brilliant!
Visually.. it's great too! The opening in the Village is on par with any recent CGI and the actual characters themselves are just as well rendered as recent CGI creations. There is nothing wrong here. Also, voice casting (which was an initial worry for me) is spot on. It pains me to say it but Katie Perry is pretty darn good, actually!
Which leads me on to the purists! My main concern when the film was announced was the fact that the development process took it out of 'Medieval times' and into New York! NO! We all cried. In fact, some literally cried. Yes, they come to New York. Once you deal with that I will argue until I am, rather ironically, blue in the face that they couldn't have been MORE than faithful to the characters! They all have the same traits as the initial comics and the writers have gone FAR and beyond what I expected from them. This movie is NOT a cash cow. If it was, it wouldn't concentrate on 5 Smurfs would it? Instead it could have had over 100! It's odd that critics have deemed it such and yet overlook a trilogy of movies based on toys!? Or Cars.
I hated it in the 90's when the Smurfs discovered PC's and walkmans and cans of Cola. I certainly didn't hate this movie. They weren't 'hip' Smurfs trying desperately to reach a new generation. The Smurfs were not 20th-Century-ised at all! They were Smurfs. Okay, there is one semi-dodgy Guitar Hero set piece, the worst part of the movie... but what would a Smurfs movie be without them singing a contemporary cover song (Remember, most children these days know them from the '[i]I've got a little Puppy[/i]' era)? This is proof, once more, that the writers and producers did their research and covered every Smurfy base!
Peyo would be proud.
So,for fans and the Smurf purists out there, the characters are faithful and the nods to the books are very nice too. There's even little 'origin' moments! It's nice to see such a carefully handled franchise. Oddly, it's the 'real world' characters that are slightly out of place. God knows why they decided to go with a 'middle age crisis' sub plot for the NPH character? I suppose this was their way to relate to the adults? Hell, at least Pixar haven't done that yet! It felt crowbarred at times and yes, a film entirely in the village would have been nice (the extended opening sequence proved it would work), but still, the NY characters were not annoying and they really gave it their all. Even if the majority of adults wouldn't relate to the dilemma Patrick faces in the movie, it's still nice to see that the main focus was on the plight of the Smurfs.
To conclude, the biggest thing to know is that this is, without question, the [b]Gargamel + Azrael Show[/b]! They're cheesy and Azaria has channeled his own Gargamel mixed with elements of Dick Dasterdly. It's simply brilliant, with the dynamic between the pair very funny. Gargamel is, essentailly, a pantomime villan on the big screen and the kids (and immature adults) will love every second of it. It is stupidly OTT, but that's why it's brilliant. I've not seen a campy, cheesy villain in a long time.. the perfect nemesis for a Smurf!
It's not a film for a romantic date, or an Oscar contender, but I would happily watch this over another Sandler 'comedy' any day of the week. As I said at the start, it's a SMURF movie, and it delivers by the bucketload! My family enjoyed it! Certainly the best 'family' film this year (To be fair, Cars 2 or Mr Poo's Penguins can't hold a candle to these guys)!
And if you are worried about the film not relating to adults... wait for Gargamel's nods to other films.
I'd Smurf this movie all over again. Sorry.
Al
First off, it seems a lot of movie critics have missed the point entirely when reviewing this film and immediately jumped on the 'Smurfs Movie- URGH!' bandwagon and judged it as a 'Smurfs Movie'. They're annoying. They sing. They dance. They have silly names. There's only one girl. They use the word 'Smurf' a lot (especially instead of swear words. Guffaw) and critics, well, they don't like that. This then, in turn, warrants the film to be diabolically awful. Basically, the hate the characters and, as such, the movie must suck.
The other thing that works against the 'Smurfs' is that they're from a different time. The stories and characters, that is. These days, PIXAR (and, rightly so) have set the bar so dramatically high in regard to visuals and, more importantly, have put stress on 'Childrens' movies that cater equally for adults. The idea being that an adult going to the cinema with a child has something to enjoy as well as the child, be it innuendo, sub plot or darker tones. I cannot over emphasise how highly I regard PIXAR (especially, in my opinion, WALL-E, which is a masterpiece). As such, every kids film, these days, is compared to PIXAR. This does not work in the Smurfs favour. Smurfs are not dark. If you hate the characters you'll hate the film, and there's no changing that.
BUT
The film is, without hyprbole, the best non-Pixar Childrens film I've seen in a long, long time. In the same way Cap America recently transported me back to being 10 years old and watching 'Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade', 'The Smurfs' makes me feel like a child watching Labyrinth or the Muppets! The characters are brilliant. Anyone that hates the Smurfs clearly have only seen the bubblegum, badly animated and 'moral' Hannah Barbera cartoons and not read the cheeky, rude (and mainly stupid!) Smurfs of the original storybooks. And these Smurfs are exactly that. They argue, they love, they sing, they fight and they generally misunderstand EVERYTHING! Brilliant!
Visually.. it's great too! The opening in the Village is on par with any recent CGI and the actual characters themselves are just as well rendered as recent CGI creations. There is nothing wrong here. Also, voice casting (which was an initial worry for me) is spot on. It pains me to say it but Katie Perry is pretty darn good, actually!
Which leads me on to the purists! My main concern when the film was announced was the fact that the development process took it out of 'Medieval times' and into New York! NO! We all cried. In fact, some literally cried. Yes, they come to New York. Once you deal with that I will argue until I am, rather ironically, blue in the face that they couldn't have been MORE than faithful to the characters! They all have the same traits as the initial comics and the writers have gone FAR and beyond what I expected from them. This movie is NOT a cash cow. If it was, it wouldn't concentrate on 5 Smurfs would it? Instead it could have had over 100! It's odd that critics have deemed it such and yet overlook a trilogy of movies based on toys!? Or Cars.
I hated it in the 90's when the Smurfs discovered PC's and walkmans and cans of Cola. I certainly didn't hate this movie. They weren't 'hip' Smurfs trying desperately to reach a new generation. The Smurfs were not 20th-Century-ised at all! They were Smurfs. Okay, there is one semi-dodgy Guitar Hero set piece, the worst part of the movie... but what would a Smurfs movie be without them singing a contemporary cover song (Remember, most children these days know them from the '[i]I've got a little Puppy[/i]' era)? This is proof, once more, that the writers and producers did their research and covered every Smurfy base!
Peyo would be proud.
So,for fans and the Smurf purists out there, the characters are faithful and the nods to the books are very nice too. There's even little 'origin' moments! It's nice to see such a carefully handled franchise. Oddly, it's the 'real world' characters that are slightly out of place. God knows why they decided to go with a 'middle age crisis' sub plot for the NPH character? I suppose this was their way to relate to the adults? Hell, at least Pixar haven't done that yet! It felt crowbarred at times and yes, a film entirely in the village would have been nice (the extended opening sequence proved it would work), but still, the NY characters were not annoying and they really gave it their all. Even if the majority of adults wouldn't relate to the dilemma Patrick faces in the movie, it's still nice to see that the main focus was on the plight of the Smurfs.
To conclude, the biggest thing to know is that this is, without question, the [b]Gargamel + Azrael Show[/b]! They're cheesy and Azaria has channeled his own Gargamel mixed with elements of Dick Dasterdly. It's simply brilliant, with the dynamic between the pair very funny. Gargamel is, essentailly, a pantomime villan on the big screen and the kids (and immature adults) will love every second of it. It is stupidly OTT, but that's why it's brilliant. I've not seen a campy, cheesy villain in a long time.. the perfect nemesis for a Smurf!
It's not a film for a romantic date, or an Oscar contender, but I would happily watch this over another Sandler 'comedy' any day of the week. As I said at the start, it's a SMURF movie, and it delivers by the bucketload! My family enjoyed it! Certainly the best 'family' film this year (To be fair, Cars 2 or Mr Poo's Penguins can't hold a candle to these guys)!
And if you are worried about the film not relating to adults... wait for Gargamel's nods to other films.
I'd Smurf this movie all over again. Sorry.
Al
Thursday 24 February 2011
Oscar Predictions/Winners
Actually 'Predictions is the wrong word. If I 'predicted' what films would win I think I would come very close to the 'fixed' truth. These are the horses I am backing, so to speak. The ones I WANT to win.
So, over the last few years the Oscars has come and gone and I've never been too fussed about what should win. This year, however, there were SO many strong contenders I decided that I would watch every nom and then, for the first time in years, I would be qualified to comment on the categories.
No spoilers here.
So.. here you go. The one's I personally think should win and why. Please feel free to argue!
-----
So, over the last few years the Oscars has come and gone and I've never been too fussed about what should win. This year, however, there were SO many strong contenders I decided that I would watch every nom and then, for the first time in years, I would be qualified to comment on the categories.
No spoilers here.
So.. here you go. The one's I personally think should win and why. Please feel free to argue!
-----
Actor in a Leading Role
Colin Firth- The King's Speech
For a long, long time I was convinced this would go to Franco. With the whole 'Gollum' thing he had going on during the interview scene in 127 hrs I thought that nothing could top Jimmy's performance. Then I saw King's Speech and, to my disgust, jumped on the Colin bandwagon. I think mainly it's due to my thought that Firth would just be performing from the 'Hugh Grant Book of polite stammers' but, my god, how wrong I was! Colin I'm sorry for doubting you. It's a shame really because I really, desperately, wanted to put two fingers up at every old granny that had seen the film and gone 'Ohhh, he deserves the Oscar' without watching anything else, but, hey, turns out the Grannies won. Good for them.
It's a truly moving, committed performance and if he does not win then it's all a scam. Unless it goes to Franco. He's my close second.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Christian Bale- The Figher
Yeah. Again Christian was a CLEAR front runner for me until bloody Geoff pops his head up and steals the show. I do think, however, that it should be Bale that gets this. When you see the actual Dicky Eklund in stock footage you realise how talented Bale actually is. There are obvious parallels to Bull here, but Bale makes the actual character of Dicky so engaging and watchable with such determined commitment that it would be a sin for the statue to go anywhere else. It's not about weight loss, or learning to fight, it's his performance and, like Firth, it's remarkable.
Actress in a Leading role
Jennifer Lawrence- Winter's Bone
The film really, REALLY drops in the last half hour and does the classic Oscar nom convention of 'Let's not resolve everything or show important scenes' but there is no denying the strength of Jennifer's performance as 17 year old Ree. She literally carries the narrative as leading 'powerful' teenager and doesn't do it in that Juno/Dawson's Creek 'World's against me' kind of way. She also, at risk of sounding too 'luvvie-dharling' shows a huge range. She does deserve the Oscar in comparison to the other girls here..Although my other half thinks it should go to 'Natalie Portman'. To me most of her on-screen time seemed like your classic GCSE 'troubled-girl' performance.
That and turning into a duck.
MY bird, however, says 'She proper learned Ballet tho didn't she'? Yeah. I suppose so. But this is the Oscars right? We award acting I was led to believe? Meh. Go do your chicken dance elsewhere love.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Melissa Leo- The Fighter
This character could have been SO easily mis-cast: 'Annoying mother/agent'. All I could think of was other actresses playing this part and hamming it up just for Oscar season. To me, it's a really honest performace. That's what I took away from this movie and I think that she deserves it over the other candidates just for that. At no point did I think 'What a good actress' because I believed the character. Hope that makes sense? If not, go watch Big Momma's House.
Animated Feature Film
Toy Story 3
I LOVE Chris Sanders and Dean Deblois... but Toy Story had that edge. I don't even really rate TS1/2 but the third was incredible. Sanders and Deblois made my FAV ever Disney film.. but I'm afraid Buzz and Woody have the edge here. Sorry. It's actually the best film I've seen in 3D. What an ending.
Art Direction
The King's Speech
At ANY point did you question anything about the set/surroundings in this film. Were you just totally, totally sucked in. Yep. Me too. It was so beautiful and, at times, felt like you were actually watching a documentary set in 1936! Unreal.
Cinematography
True Grit.
At times I thought I was actually The Searchers. Part of the convention of this genre is making sure the cinematography is outstanding. Sort that out and all you need to fall back on are the other manageable conventions: Lone wanderer. Debt to pay. Framed doorways. Redemption. Yeah, it's a new classic.. but why in god's name did Bridges insist on doing his Scruffy the Janitor impression throughout the movie. Still.. it looked nice. Ford would be proud.
Costume Design
The King's Speech
This was a VERY tough choice for, to me, it was a two horse race between this and Grit. This got the edge for the sheer AMOUNT of work that had to be done and the range of costumes we saw that subtly evolved. Hell.. we can all go out and dress as Cowboys (Stands back and awaits angry rant from Coen fans).
Directing
The Kings Speech.
ARGH! This was the hardest one of all, and the reason I wanted to take on this challenge in the first place. This year, for the first in ages, I LOVE all the directors and as I watched each film I put a new Director in this category to win. Black Swan's script, to me, was pretentious and awful but still shot very, very well (How many times did Cassel want to remind us that she could dance the White Swan but he was not sure about the Black Swan!? Yawn). Boyle was amazing in the way that he shot 127 hours and didn't make it boring AT ALL (Think 'Buried'). The Figher was simply outstanding and I've not even mentioned Social Network yet! But.. I think.. for all the subtle (albeit probably un-intentional) nods in framing to Taxi Driver, never having ECU until Bertie approached a microphone, for making the Royals seem like people you would WANT in your house and the way he dared to make an engaging film that could have SO easily been a mundane Sunday tea-time BBC Drama it has to go to King's Speech. There.
Film Editing
127 Hours
You may not have noticed, but no more than 3 seconds go by without a cut. Pretty goddamn special for a film with a fixed location. Literally. But still, the most powerful cut of all is the one towards the end... (chortle). Sorry.
Makeup
The Wolfman
Yeah. It was bad. Like, really REALLY bad.. but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't vote for the Werewolf movie. Sorry everyone. Also, the Wolf wasn't so bad now was it? At least it wasn't all CGI like in the OTHER werewolf/vampire/emo saga! And at least it ate people rather than fix their motorbikes.
Music (Original Score)
The King's Speech
It was good.
Music (Original Song)
If I Rise- 127 hours
So was this
Best Picture
The Kings Speech
Reasons:
- It could have been a boring as hell Sunday Drama.
- The acting is incredible
- It's shot in an incredible way
- It's SO tense when it wants to be
- It's funny
- It's sad
- The story is fascinating
- Most importantly: It's not up it's own rectum.
Erm.. Yeah. That's an Oscar right there I think.
Sound Editing
Tron:Legacy
BECAUSE IT DESERVED AN EFFECTS NOD!! SO IT'S GETTING THIS ONE! The story is awful but why the hell was it not given an effects nom! Rubbish. For that alone I hope it takes this Oscar home and scratches off the 'Sound Editing' recessed lettering and replaces it with effects. Plus, it was actually very well Sound edited. Especially when compared to the others.
Visual Effects
Inception
Okay. You get it. Mind you, it the effects are incredible. As in jaw-dropping. Still would have liked to see Tron here. Remember, we're not marking you on plot in this Category..
Sound Mixing
Social Network
Just incredible. I'm sorry I've snubbed you so far Mr Fincher. You get to take this one home with you. You do actually win in this category though because the mix is incredible. Bravo. It was a tough year to be an awesome movie.
Writing: Adapted Screenplay
127 Hours
A 2 hour film about a man in a cave. How in god's name did anyone even BEGIN to write this.. let alone make in engaging. Some brilliant lines and inspired scenes. This could have so easily been a flashback-fest with the event itself being halfway through the film. Certainly the most deserving nom here.
Writing: Original Screenplay
The King's Speech
Okay, okay. But look at the others! 'Kids' was just an Oscar cheap-shot and it was performance's over plot. Fighter was great visually but, sorry 'Rocky' anyone? It had to be King's Speech. Great, inspired moments of dialogue that shoot out at you with a plot that moves at such a pace and has SO many moments of powerful tension and emotional wallops! For those that want Inception to get this? When we were kids didn't we always end stories with 'And it was all a dream.. or was it?'
So there you go. Those are the films I think deserve to win. I've left out a couple because I've not seen all contenders and it would not be fair. For sake of argument (and a gamble) I'd like to predict the others just to see, on Oscar night, how many I get right! Hope you don't mind
Doc: Feature:
Exit through the Gift Shop
Doc: Short
Killing in the Name
Foreign Language Film
Biutiful
Short Film (animated)
Day and Night (I've seen this one and it is awesome)!
Short Film (live action)
The Confession
Laters Younglins,
Al
Sunday 13 February 2011
Good Scenes in Bad Films/Bad Scenes in Good films
So, it's the movie equivalent of a Gherkin in a McDonalds Hamburger... a bad scene in a great film.. but what is the worst offender?
I've been thinking of this for a while now.. and it's especially hard because the movie has to be SO awesome that watching it would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant and cross legged in front of it. Even Indy would be screaming at Marion to make sure it had her full attention.
Yet, by comparison, the offending scene would have to be such an almighty stinker. Imagine watching a family leave a Veterinary surgery without the Dog they went in with. Worse than that.
So here it is...
The 'Lovemaking' scene in The Watchmen (2009. Zac Snyder)
Yep. That's it.
Zac Snyder (Who recently signed up to direct Superman 6.. or whatever you want to call it now) created a near perfect movie. One that defied time and space and silenced the geek community. He created the impossible. Forget loaves and fishes, completing the Kessel Run or rescuing the Princess in Donkey Kong. This is harder...
He made a decent version of the Watchmen.
Yup. That's it. In fact, for 'decent' read 'Knocked out of the park of Epic'. Something even Terry Gillingham.. with his Ricrollin' 'Never Gonna Give You Up' attitude on every project he ever faces, couldn't do this! He cast it aside like yesterday's Coconuts. Nobody thought it could be done. The critics. The comic book fans... Hell, I bet, even Alan Moore, on his Deathbed, will actually sit up and say 'The boy Zac went and done good'.
Slow Mo? Overused? Who cares! It looked da bomb. Even pre- free-dee! Costumes? We were all so skeptical when 'that' cover of Empire featured Z3-listers dressed in what looked like 'Watchmen' fancy dress that some cosplay nerds pieced together in their mums basement... yet when push came to shove, can you imagine The Comedian wearing anything else? It looked incredible!
And lets not forget the opening scene! Dylan? Death? Cuban Missile Crisis? YES PLEASE!
So... whilst all this is going on.. when all logic and reason was defied and even the ENDING was improved, what let it down?
The insult of one the best songs in the world being played over what can only be described as the most difficult 3 mins of anyones life.
A spurt of flame, some VERY awkward faces and the majestic use of the word 'Hallelujah'. Yeah. This is one of those moments where you turn to the person next to you and apologise. You don't know why, but you do.
I mean, seriously, it has to be the most awkward scene in history! No. Most awkward MOMENT in history! My Dad once sat me down and explained the rules of contraception and I would rather go through that again fifty times over rather than watch this scene in a room with more than one person. If there are two people together, lets say 2 lads, it's just very upsetting. A guy and girl? Just wrong. A bunch of people? At least 3 members of the audience will make excuses and leave. And.. if you;re on your own?
That's worse.
Watching it on your own means that you feel a little dirty. In fact, one eye stays permanently fixed on the door.
Hell, at least when my Dad explained 'You-know-what' to me it was a one-off! I never had to go through it again. Sadly, this movie is SO good that I have to watch this scene at least 30 more times in my lifetime. Oh... and it also ruined a brilliant song.
Well, to be fair. Alexandra Burke did that.
So there you have it. Zac Snyder, you are a legend. I have total faith in your Superman-handling abilities but please... please... stay away from lovemaking 'moments' like this in the future. I can only imagine the horror of what a Kryptonian/Human slo-mo scene of 'relations' will look like, scored with Gary Jules' 'Mad World' or Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells' and, needless to say, the results would be petrifying.
You got everything else right tho. Well done dude.
Well... except for that actor who played Ozymandias. He sucked.
Al
I've been thinking of this for a while now.. and it's especially hard because the movie has to be SO awesome that watching it would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant and cross legged in front of it. Even Indy would be screaming at Marion to make sure it had her full attention.
Yet, by comparison, the offending scene would have to be such an almighty stinker. Imagine watching a family leave a Veterinary surgery without the Dog they went in with. Worse than that.
So here it is...
The 'Lovemaking' scene in The Watchmen (2009. Zac Snyder)
Yep. That's it.
Zac Snyder (Who recently signed up to direct Superman 6.. or whatever you want to call it now) created a near perfect movie. One that defied time and space and silenced the geek community. He created the impossible. Forget loaves and fishes, completing the Kessel Run or rescuing the Princess in Donkey Kong. This is harder...
He made a decent version of the Watchmen.
Yup. That's it. In fact, for 'decent' read 'Knocked out of the park of Epic'. Something even Terry Gillingham.. with his Ricrollin' 'Never Gonna Give You Up' attitude on every project he ever faces, couldn't do this! He cast it aside like yesterday's Coconuts. Nobody thought it could be done. The critics. The comic book fans... Hell, I bet, even Alan Moore, on his Deathbed, will actually sit up and say 'The boy Zac went and done good'.
Slow Mo? Overused? Who cares! It looked da bomb. Even pre- free-dee! Costumes? We were all so skeptical when 'that' cover of Empire featured Z3-listers dressed in what looked like 'Watchmen' fancy dress that some cosplay nerds pieced together in their mums basement... yet when push came to shove, can you imagine The Comedian wearing anything else? It looked incredible!
And lets not forget the opening scene! Dylan? Death? Cuban Missile Crisis? YES PLEASE!
So... whilst all this is going on.. when all logic and reason was defied and even the ENDING was improved, what let it down?
The insult of one the best songs in the world being played over what can only be described as the most difficult 3 mins of anyones life.
A spurt of flame, some VERY awkward faces and the majestic use of the word 'Hallelujah'. Yeah. This is one of those moments where you turn to the person next to you and apologise. You don't know why, but you do.
I mean, seriously, it has to be the most awkward scene in history! No. Most awkward MOMENT in history! My Dad once sat me down and explained the rules of contraception and I would rather go through that again fifty times over rather than watch this scene in a room with more than one person. If there are two people together, lets say 2 lads, it's just very upsetting. A guy and girl? Just wrong. A bunch of people? At least 3 members of the audience will make excuses and leave. And.. if you;re on your own?
That's worse.
Watching it on your own means that you feel a little dirty. In fact, one eye stays permanently fixed on the door.
Hell, at least when my Dad explained 'You-know-what' to me it was a one-off! I never had to go through it again. Sadly, this movie is SO good that I have to watch this scene at least 30 more times in my lifetime. Oh... and it also ruined a brilliant song.
Well, to be fair. Alexandra Burke did that.
So there you have it. Zac Snyder, you are a legend. I have total faith in your Superman-handling abilities but please... please... stay away from lovemaking 'moments' like this in the future. I can only imagine the horror of what a Kryptonian/Human slo-mo scene of 'relations' will look like, scored with Gary Jules' 'Mad World' or Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells' and, needless to say, the results would be petrifying.
You got everything else right tho. Well done dude.
Well... except for that actor who played Ozymandias. He sucked.
Al
Thursday 20 January 2011
Games in real life
How you know you're a geek:
Once, on my way to a gig, I was staring from a bus window when I saw something that made my stomach tighten with excitement. It was a small glowing blue ball and it meant that it gave me extra XP in order to level up! I better rush to it before player 2 got there before me and stole all my lovely points!
Then I realised I was in the real world and NOT playing Jedi Power Battles on the Playstation.
Yes.. I'd spent so many hours with my friends Paul and Adham playing SO much Playstation that I'd inbuilt in my brain that anything blue and glowing needed to be collected. Sadly, this was a house light and I felt a fool! My brain was telling me 'Al. Enough is enough. You're confusing reality with fiction'.
But.. what would happen if the gaming world and our world ever came into contact?
Ladies and gentlemen, with the help of Photoshop master Charlie, we give you:
GET A LIFE: Games in Real life.
Once, on my way to a gig, I was staring from a bus window when I saw something that made my stomach tighten with excitement. It was a small glowing blue ball and it meant that it gave me extra XP in order to level up! I better rush to it before player 2 got there before me and stole all my lovely points!
Then I realised I was in the real world and NOT playing Jedi Power Battles on the Playstation.
Yes.. I'd spent so many hours with my friends Paul and Adham playing SO much Playstation that I'd inbuilt in my brain that anything blue and glowing needed to be collected. Sadly, this was a house light and I felt a fool! My brain was telling me 'Al. Enough is enough. You're confusing reality with fiction'.
But.. what would happen if the gaming world and our world ever came into contact?
Ladies and gentlemen, with the help of Photoshop master Charlie, we give you:
GET A LIFE: Games in Real life.
Deadwood
We have a problem
..never outgunned
Why won't you die!
When mutation comes in handy
Taking the easy way out
Track and Savannah.. technically
Stop worrying. There is certainly no chance of Koopas tomorrow.
You will never get this
Run away!
Frogger on 'Insanity'
Simples
Life in the fast lane
Play to your strengths
Another Root Beer? We do shots y'know?
Commence slow, formulaic invasion!
There goes the neighbourhood.
Let us know what you think! Is this a world you would be happy in?
I hope basic photoshoppin' brought a smile to your face today. x
Friday 7 January 2011
The biggest Film Fails post 2000. Worst. Films. Ever.
These are, in my opinion, the worst films I've seen of the 21st Century. Anyone involved in the making, distributing or promotion of these 'movies' needs to be put into a fridge and catapulted across the New Mexico Desert.
Let me know what you think I've missed, Geezers.
Alice In Wonderland
This is actually the worst film I have ever seen. It annoys me when I read bold statements like that, but I promise you, apart from good CGI this film gets nothing right.
Pace, plot, dialogue, acting.. all is terrible!
It basically consists of Alice meeting CGI blue creatures for an hour and a half and them saying 'You're not Alice' then moving her along.
This culminates in her fighting a creature that British Literature prides itself on by NEVER being described. Yet here it is. In all it's Burton arrogant 'dark' glory..
To end, then Alice turns into some international corporate pirate on the recommendation of her recently jilted father-in-law! SERIOUSLY. Unreal.
A terrible, terrible film. There are only so many times Johnny Depp can wear a wig, mince around a lot and have a silly voice. This jumps that particular shark... and then some.
If you like a film where the only major plot point is 'Will Johnny Depp does a silly, poorly CGI'd dance' then go knock yourself out.
For those who love movies, AVOID at all costs!
Tron Legacy
Fans of the original will then adore this movie but, in my opinion TRON LEGACY suffers from the exact faults of the first movie.
The original had too many faults that were very hard to look past and this recent sequel suffers from the exact same. It's dull.
Whilst visually stunning (even surpassing Avatar) the light-bike scene and disk battle are too short. These short, entertaining scenes are then lost in a digital sea of dialogue and *YAWN* 'travelling'.
A set piece at the end saves the film from complete monotony, but it is only this ending that differs from the original. All in all, the set up and formulaic narrative of 'Real World/ Digital Games/Chats and bus rides/Real World' just isn't enough to make the movie fun as the length of the acts are stupidly muddled.
The Wizard of Oz parallel is a nice touch, going from 2D to 3D when our hero travels to the Digital World.. but other than that there's no real originality. The young Jeff Bridges? At times great.. most of the time however it looks like his Waxwork escaped and jumped into an Apple Mac.
Fans I'm sure will relish in what, in actuality, is just TRON turned up to 11. Next time, however, please add what every good video game needs.
Fun.
Man On Wire
Possibly the most unlovable Frenchman you will ever meet... and THAT is saying something!
Granted, it is an amazing feat, but EVERYTHING about this movie is awful. The editing, the soundtrack, the 'acting', the narration....
Seriously, don't rent this movie. Just watch Challenge TV for 2 hours instead as you'll probably end up being more gripped and involved.
Twilight: New Moon
(I was made to watch this by 'er indoors. Sold only by the premise that it was a film about Vampires vs Werewolves. Please excuse the fact that when I wrote this I was choking on my own anger)
Total, total garbage.
Nothing happens for two and a half hours.. unless you count a miserable girl who thinks 'being in love' means walking around with constant PMT looking at CGI wolves..which appear for about 10 mins in an over-long film.
Obv not being in the target demographic, I still viewed the first one as 'Teen movie'.. but jesus... this is a BAD film. No 'It's for teenage girls' excuses please... it's just a poorly made and acted piece of tripe.
Last time I checked.. a movie about 'Werewolves vs Vampires' should be exciting? Unreal.
Splice
Anything with a laughable rape scene should be avoided at all costs! 'Nuff said.
Let me know what you think I've missed, Geezers.
Alice In Wonderland
This is actually the worst film I have ever seen. It annoys me when I read bold statements like that, but I promise you, apart from good CGI this film gets nothing right.
Pace, plot, dialogue, acting.. all is terrible!
It basically consists of Alice meeting CGI blue creatures for an hour and a half and them saying 'You're not Alice' then moving her along.
This culminates in her fighting a creature that British Literature prides itself on by NEVER being described. Yet here it is. In all it's Burton arrogant 'dark' glory..
To end, then Alice turns into some international corporate pirate on the recommendation of her recently jilted father-in-law! SERIOUSLY. Unreal.
A terrible, terrible film. There are only so many times Johnny Depp can wear a wig, mince around a lot and have a silly voice. This jumps that particular shark... and then some.
If you like a film where the only major plot point is 'Will Johnny Depp does a silly, poorly CGI'd dance' then go knock yourself out.
For those who love movies, AVOID at all costs!
Tron Legacy
Fans of the original will then adore this movie but, in my opinion TRON LEGACY suffers from the exact faults of the first movie.
The original had too many faults that were very hard to look past and this recent sequel suffers from the exact same. It's dull.
Whilst visually stunning (even surpassing Avatar) the light-bike scene and disk battle are too short. These short, entertaining scenes are then lost in a digital sea of dialogue and *YAWN* 'travelling'.
A set piece at the end saves the film from complete monotony, but it is only this ending that differs from the original. All in all, the set up and formulaic narrative of 'Real World/ Digital Games/Chats and bus rides/Real World' just isn't enough to make the movie fun as the length of the acts are stupidly muddled.
The Wizard of Oz parallel is a nice touch, going from 2D to 3D when our hero travels to the Digital World.. but other than that there's no real originality. The young Jeff Bridges? At times great.. most of the time however it looks like his Waxwork escaped and jumped into an Apple Mac.
Fans I'm sure will relish in what, in actuality, is just TRON turned up to 11. Next time, however, please add what every good video game needs.
Fun.
Man On Wire
Possibly the most unlovable Frenchman you will ever meet... and THAT is saying something!
Granted, it is an amazing feat, but EVERYTHING about this movie is awful. The editing, the soundtrack, the 'acting', the narration....
Seriously, don't rent this movie. Just watch Challenge TV for 2 hours instead as you'll probably end up being more gripped and involved.
Twilight: New Moon
(I was made to watch this by 'er indoors. Sold only by the premise that it was a film about Vampires vs Werewolves. Please excuse the fact that when I wrote this I was choking on my own anger)
Total, total garbage.
Nothing happens for two and a half hours.. unless you count a miserable girl who thinks 'being in love' means walking around with constant PMT looking at CGI wolves..which appear for about 10 mins in an over-long film.
Obv not being in the target demographic, I still viewed the first one as 'Teen movie'.. but jesus... this is a BAD film. No 'It's for teenage girls' excuses please... it's just a poorly made and acted piece of tripe.
Last time I checked.. a movie about 'Werewolves vs Vampires' should be exciting? Unreal.
Splice
Anything with a laughable rape scene should be avoided at all costs! 'Nuff said.
Tuesday 4 January 2011
Blog to the start.
So... I've got a TV show and writing credits under my belt. My twitter and facebook fanpage seems to be growing nice-like. It seems I've done the hard stuff first. Which is odd.
So.. I started to look for what can help me build a good blog. Seeing as I have all sorts of rubbish on my mind on a daily basis (For example, 'Where pencils go'? We NEVER throw them away.. so where do they go!?') but what's the point of me blog is nobody follows/uses it? Right?
Regardless... I'll just use it as a diary of nowt else.
Anyway, http://www.chrisbrogan.com seems to have some awesme advice! So lets see if it works!
Peace out, younglins. x
So.. I started to look for what can help me build a good blog. Seeing as I have all sorts of rubbish on my mind on a daily basis (For example, 'Where pencils go'? We NEVER throw them away.. so where do they go!?') but what's the point of me blog is nobody follows/uses it? Right?
Regardless... I'll just use it as a diary of nowt else.
Anyway, http://www.chrisbrogan.com seems to have some awesme advice! So lets see if it works!
- It starts with a picture that captures your eye.
- No. It starts with a title that makes you pay attention.
- The post is useful to others, and not just about you.
- It’s easy to read, and not a big clump of text.
- It’s written in a human voice, and not corporate-ese.
- There’s information there that might require a second visit.
- You write in small words where possible. Remember: eschew obfuscation.
- You use links out to resources liberally. Share, share, share
- Posts that gather resources into one place are very often heavily bookmarked.
- Controversial posts get lots of links from people refuting your information.
- Popular current topic posts often get swept up in searches.
- Blog posts with your own original thoughts never get old (versus posting a few observations on others’ stuff).
- Writing reviews of products or services sometimes get links, especially if you’re early to the game.
- Writing how-to information goes everywhere, gets linked everywhere, is one of the best types of posts, depending on your audience.
- Blog posts explaining use cases for products and services are good, too.
- Blog topics about applying ideas to specific industries get play in that industry.
- Pieces written to reinvent an industry don’t get very many links, but attract comments.
- Writing list posts never dies. Wish it weren’t true, but my top posts are lists. Always
- Use appropriate plug-ins to share blog posts. I’m using Tweetmeme and ShareThis.
- Share only the very best posts on services like Twitter, and pipe your blog feed into sites like Facebook, LinkedIn (if it relates to your profession), and FriendFeed.
- Note: sharing other people’s stuff makes them a bit more interested in sharing yours.
- The post ends with a question that encourages more thought.
- The post is written such that the community might have something to add. Do you?
Peace out, younglins. x
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