So, it's the movie equivalent of a Gherkin in a McDonalds Hamburger... a bad scene in a great film.. but what is the worst offender?
I've been thinking of this for a while now.. and it's especially hard because the movie has to be SO awesome that watching it would be like opening the Ark of the Covenant and cross legged in front of it. Even Indy would be screaming at Marion to make sure it had her full attention.
Yet, by comparison, the offending scene would have to be such an almighty stinker. Imagine watching a family leave a Veterinary surgery without the Dog they went in with. Worse than that.
So here it is...
The 'Lovemaking' scene in The Watchmen (2009. Zac Snyder)
Yep. That's it.
Zac Snyder (Who recently signed up to direct Superman 6.. or whatever you want to call it now) created a near perfect movie. One that defied time and space and silenced the geek community. He created the impossible. Forget loaves and fishes, completing the Kessel Run or rescuing the Princess in Donkey Kong. This is harder...
He made a decent version of the Watchmen.
Yup. That's it. In fact, for 'decent' read 'Knocked out of the park of Epic'. Something even Terry Gillingham.. with his Ricrollin' 'Never Gonna Give You Up' attitude on every project he ever faces, couldn't do this! He cast it aside like yesterday's Coconuts. Nobody thought it could be done. The critics. The comic book fans... Hell, I bet, even Alan Moore, on his Deathbed, will actually sit up and say 'The boy Zac went and done good'.
Slow Mo? Overused? Who cares! It looked da bomb. Even pre- free-dee! Costumes? We were all so skeptical when 'that' cover of Empire featured Z3-listers dressed in what looked like 'Watchmen' fancy dress that some cosplay nerds pieced together in their mums basement... yet when push came to shove, can you imagine The Comedian wearing anything else? It looked incredible!
And lets not forget the opening scene! Dylan? Death? Cuban Missile Crisis? YES PLEASE!
So... whilst all this is going on.. when all logic and reason was defied and even the ENDING was improved, what let it down?
The insult of one the best songs in the world being played over what can only be described as the most difficult 3 mins of anyones life.
A spurt of flame, some VERY awkward faces and the majestic use of the word 'Hallelujah'. Yeah. This is one of those moments where you turn to the person next to you and apologise. You don't know why, but you do.
I mean, seriously, it has to be the most awkward scene in history! No. Most awkward MOMENT in history! My Dad once sat me down and explained the rules of contraception and I would rather go through that again fifty times over rather than watch this scene in a room with more than one person. If there are two people together, lets say 2 lads, it's just very upsetting. A guy and girl? Just wrong. A bunch of people? At least 3 members of the audience will make excuses and leave. And.. if you;re on your own?
That's worse.
Watching it on your own means that you feel a little dirty. In fact, one eye stays permanently fixed on the door.
Hell, at least when my Dad explained 'You-know-what' to me it was a one-off! I never had to go through it again. Sadly, this movie is SO good that I have to watch this scene at least 30 more times in my lifetime. Oh... and it also ruined a brilliant song.
Well, to be fair. Alexandra Burke did that.
So there you have it. Zac Snyder, you are a legend. I have total faith in your Superman-handling abilities but please... please... stay away from lovemaking 'moments' like this in the future. I can only imagine the horror of what a Kryptonian/Human slo-mo scene of 'relations' will look like, scored with Gary Jules' 'Mad World' or Oldfield's 'Tubular Bells' and, needless to say, the results would be petrifying.
You got everything else right tho. Well done dude.
Well... except for that actor who played Ozymandias. He sucked.
Al
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